Back to School Time!

Wha?  But it's January.  Doesn't matter.  Applications for schools are due next month.  (sigh)

We have started to look into kindergarten schools for F to start at next fall.  What a drag.  Do other normal people do this or have I slipped into some weird alternate reality where I am a wealthy high-achieving urbanite?  Don't answer that.

Here's the deal: F is a really intense kid--intensely happy and creative when things are going well and terribly, terribly sad/angry and destructive when they are not.  I love this article that Nellig referred me to so much that I am going to dig it out of the comments and link to it here because I just keep thinking about it as it applies to F and would love for you all to read it too.  Thank you SO MUCH, Nellig, for showing it to me.  Here's the synopsis from the article itself:

Most of us have genes that make us as hardy as dandelions: able to take root and survive almost anywhere. A few of us, however, are more like the orchid: fragile and fickle, but capable of blooming spectacularly if given greenhouse care. So holds a provocative new theory of genetics, which asserts that the very genes that give us the most trouble as a species, causing behaviors that are self-destructive and antisocial, also underlie humankind’s phenomenal adaptability and evolutionary success. With a bad environment and poor parenting, orchid children can end up depressed, drug-addicted, or in jail—but with the right environment and good parenting, they can grow up to be society’s most creative, successful, and happy people.

Yes, yes, and YES.  This is all affirming what I have been thinking for the past four and a half years.  There is a lot of information presented in this piece, but what really struck me is that there could be a positive evolutionarily-sound reason for certain people to behave in what appear to be completely outlandish ways.  Most of us are safe bets--we will grow up not taking huge risks, will survive to reproductive age, will make the sort of safe choices that, more likely than not, will allow our genes to continue on into future generations.  But we will never be kings.  We will never achieve the sort of greatness that drives civilization to new and exciting places (technologically, politically, socially, etc.).

However.  HOWEVER.  The traits that drive these individuals to greatness--their charisma, their perfectionism, their willingness to test limits--are also the things that can lead to massive destruction, both on a personal and societal scale.  Examples that come right away to my mind are Martin Luther King, Jr. (good) and Hitler (bad).  According to the article what makes the difference in how these individuals turn out is all about environment and opportunity.  And mothering.  Oh, lord.  Granted, most of the examples cited in this piece were from observations of primates, not humans.  But still, the implication is clear.  If F winds up in jail, it will be ALL MY FAULT.  The Science says so.

You already know that I consider myself to be a "dandelion" (Mediocrity Theory HALLO).  That is, I would probably have done quite well no matter what my parents or society did to me.  I have known this for quite awhile.  I went to decent public schools and was bored (who wasn't?) but still got very good grades and didn't rock the boat.  F is giving every sign that he is an "orchid"--someone who may bloom magnificently if given the ideal environment, but that may wilt and fail if given anything suboptimal. 

Which brings me back to kindergarten selection.  What I really want (I think) is a school that cannot just write him off as a "problem" and count down the days until he moves along (either to the next teacher, grade, or school).  Ideally, this would mean finding a school that would be K-12 so that he will have a community of people to whom he is accountable (and who are accountable to him) so that both parties will have to try to work out solutions to problems that might arise.  I would like a school that is not heavy-handed with worksheets, academic drilling, and coloring-within-the-lines kinds of activities.  (As an aside, he has been evaluated by a therapist and is not on the ADHD/Autism spectrum and has given no indication that he has any other "special needs" that would need to be accommodated.)

I know that so far on this blog I have written a lot about F as a problem, focusing on the negative instead of the positive.  This is largely because I am afraid of how others will perceive him (and what he is capable of becoming) if he is not handled with care.  I do not talk this way about him when he is present or with anyone other than his father.  I hope that some day I can find a place for him that I can trust to treat him well so that I can let go of this constant worry. 

For those of you that have gone through this process before, what were you looking for in a school and why?  Have any of you felt as though even this seemingly inconsequential decision (it's KINDERGARTEN, not COLLEGE or whatever) could set your child up for lifetime success or failure in a very real way?  Any other advice for me as I complete applications and then wait for The Process to decide our fate?  He's truly a spectacularly good-looking kid, should I include a photo?  (Just kidding.)  (No, really.)  (For god's sake, NO.)